11.19.2006...Six Weeks Left and Thinking

This evening, as I sat playing cards with the folks, I wondered to myself why I don't post everyday?

Then I realize it is for the same reason why movies and books cover far more time than their span would seemingly allow.

I've realized this before, but I still struggle with it when it comes to narrating ones adventures. Sure you, the audience, don't need to know every detail of every minute of the day. Yet, in some ways, doesn't that make what I'm experiencing seem a little less tangible, less probable for every one else? My stories seem to hover my persona just above that of 'average person', but I don't in anyway feel like this.

Don't get me wrong, I know that what I'm doing here and now, and with much of my regular life, is beyond that of most people's comfort or ability or even desire to attain. So why then has it been in my reach?

I'm often told that I'm remarkable in many ways, but what can one really do with that information if one doesn't see oneself in this same way?
I am who I am. I do what I can with what I have been granted. I try to follow through on the things I say I will and set out to do.
In this sense, really, how am I any different than the average person? And if I am different, then who is better/worse off?

I've also been told things like I'm a snob or stuck up or more unpleasantries, but they don't really sting.
I can understand why people can see me this way, but it's just wrong for them to assume this about me. Nine times out of ten people actually 'tell' me they initially thought this way of me, but at some point my 'humanity' shone through and they realized they were wrong. Honestly, do you think I really need to hear that you thought I was a jerk at some point when you didn't even know me? Too much info.

One thing that I've definitely honed in on while being here is shedding the need to please people. In recent months and years I've realized that people don't like to actually feel pleased nearly as much as they like people trying to please them. This in some way excuses them from actually having to pay attention to their own needs as someone else is doing it for them. Then they can blame anyone but themselves when they are unhappy.

This is a two-way street though. Those who are addicted to doing the pleasing, often do so at the same price. They don't pay attention to their own needs and when they see that their efforts have been frustrated (again and again) and they get sad at the thought of not 'MAKING' someone happy, they get to blame the other person for being ungrateful or selfish.

This is a shared miserable experience that actually feels quite lonely when one is stuck in it.

In the end I realize (again) the truth in only having control over my own actions and happiness and letting the rest to their own devices. If what I do makes them happy, great. But if not, then what can I do?

These thoughts have been paramount in preparing me for this next third of my life. I hear tell that being a parent can really test a person, so I'm glad that I've gotten these old challenges out of the way.

As things come up over the next two weeks, I'll post, but otherwise know that I'm happily dancing, writing, reading and painting the days away.

Peace,

A Pink American